When I woke up today, I had no idea what time it was. I’d left my phone in my bag when I went to bed cause if there’s no candy to crush, who needs it?
On the way to the bathroom (a trip I took without my phone), I saw the clock: 11:57 … a miracle. Because I bartend, I’m rarely in bed before 4 am on nights I work. Because I’m anxious, I’m rarely able to stay in bed past 8. Getting 7+ hours of sleep is unheard of, and honestly a bit unsettling.
As much as I know I need sleep, I feel like I’ve missed out on so much of my day already. I get the logistics when it comes to how late I need to stay in bed in order to get the rest I require, but I can’t shake feeling that I’m being lazy.
Still, there’s also the fact that up until yesterday, I was spending way more time on my game apps than I’m ready to admit to, so it’s not like I was being extra productive because I was getting up early. I just felt better about myself for being awake at normal adult hours. Which helped offset the shame I felt about playing all those goddamn games.
Last night at the bar we were really slow, and I missed my games more than I have since I got rid of them. I reached for my phone several times before remembering I’d deleted everything that morning. Perhaps, the most pronounced moment of loss I felt was when I got in the cab after we closed. The way I usually decompress after my shift is to check in with The Simpsons on my ride home. I still focused on my phone for the ride, but instead of tapping dollar signs, I Snapchatted with a friend.
When I got home, I grabbed something to eat and sat down in front of the TV. For the first time in who even knows how long, I watched a show without simultaneously staring at my phone. I literally saw an episode of Orange Is the New Black, and I was rewarded with it being the one where Stella kisses Piper. I took it as a wink from the Universe: we’re proud of you for being so strong; here’s Ruby Rose naked in a prison bathroom.
The more I think about it, the more I think it’s easier than I’m telling myself it is. Sure, I keep instinctively picking up my phone when I have a break in my thoughts, and I’ve automatically hit the spot where my game file used to be on my screen more than once. But at the same time, I’ve written two blog posts in two days which makes me feel so much better about myself than surpassing even the hardest levels on Candy Crush.