Patient #4606 aka Patient #7928

I realize that for the benefit of her experience, I should probably be addressing this question to Martha Stewart. But you know how I feel about Oprah – all-knowing talk show Queen that she is — and I don’t want to chance hurting her feelings by asking Martha a question to which she, omnipotent Oprah, would know the answer to.

So, O, what is the proper etiquette for thanking intervention participants? Do I send thank you cards? Flowers? Wine and Xanax?

Turns out Mom is deeply, clinically depressed as verified by the finest General Practitioner in all of Fitzgerald, Georgia. (How long have I been telling you people this? Why won’t anyone listen to me?) To combat her depression, Mom started using too much of her prescription medication. Now, let’s run down the litany of complaints and concerns I have had about Mommy since I started posting about her on this blog.

Delirium, falling, constant fear of dying, constant self-diagnoses of a variety of very scary cancers, losing ridiculous amounts of weight, breaking multiple bones in a very short time (who besides a nine-year-old boy does this?), not knowing what day it is, atrial fibrulation and her insane tolerance for pain pills.

What else can I say besides, “Duh”?

When I got the call from A, my sister, about Mom’s recent fall and busted head/staples incident, I declared that I would no longer be party to the lies and secrets our family has treasured for so long. I called both of my uncles, told them everything, then I went directly to one of Mom’s multiple doctors with detailed information on what Mom was taking and in what quantities. Together, we all talked her into checking herself into a psychiatric hospital for a few days.

She has since been released and is doing well. She has a degree of clarity for the first time in many, many years and she gained the ability to empathise with crack heads and cutters. She understands that she is not a bad person, she has an illness and we’re on the Road to Recovery.

My family and friends pulled together for me in ways I couldn’t believe. Although I have no cell service in Ben Hill and the surrounding counties in South Georgia, when I got back to AT&T country, I had over fifteen messages of love and encouragement. I also received multiple emails, text messages and one honest-to-god handwritten letter in the mail. I also got the funniest invitation to a Super Bowl party ever from a friend who didn’t know what was happening, but who helped me feel better anyway.

I’m back in Brooklyn but am taking a few days to decompress so that I can remember what my real life is like. My people, I have eaten more McDonald’s food in the past week and a half than I have in the past five years and I was forced to shop at Wal-Mart repeatedly because, in the country, there are no other options.

I am tired, I feel fat and greasy and I feel I should be wearing a hairshirt airbrushed with the phrase, “I am a loser who supported Wal-Mart.”

Until I get the call from Oprah, I’d like some feedback on what you think I should do regarding the thank you notes. I checked and they had nothing.

0 thoughts on “Patient #4606 aka Patient #7928

  1. Miss Manners probably knows what the appropriate thank you gesture is (if she is still living)-I’m thinking it shouldn’t be signed “I told you so” even though that would be accurate. I’m glad you are HOME and the greasy (no trans fats! soon)feeling is bound to wear off! I’m also glad you got/invited/forced other family members on-board…..I’m sure they were concerned just waiting for a “moment”.

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